Summer of 69

Today was like any other day. Any other day apart from one small detail. An email on the IIT Yahoo group just reminded that seven years back, we stepped out of IIT Kharagpur. Yes, it's the seventh anniversary of our graduation.

Frankly speaking, I don't want to remember those days. Simply because it reminds of such good days, such optimism, such confidence and such passion to make our mark that remembering it seven years later inevitably raises questions of whether we have lived up to them. As Rekha croons in Umrao Jaan:

"Tamam umra ka hisaab, mangti hai zindagi...
yeh mera dil kahe to kya, yeh khud se sharmsaar hai..."

(The life asks for the account of all the time spent, my heart is speechless, for it is guilty deep within)

I do not know but I hope most of my batchmates don't feel the same way - but I am afraid that that's exactly what they feel.

I still remember the opening speech, the day we entered IIT. "There are two types of engineers in this world, those who are IITians and those who wish they were", our dean thundered from the welcome podium.

The sentence stuck. So did so many other experiences - each and every minute of the day, throughout those four years, the system injected a feeling of empowerment. I am special, I can do whatever I want, I can change the world, I can create my own world.

I still remember a couple of sentences spoken by our English teacher in the first semester, "IITians die hard", "IITians take the bull by the horns". We were naive to believe them and feel good about ourselves then. With years, the naivette gone, the honest optimism of adolescent became prey to our own lack of courage to stand out on our own. Many of us now feel we are betraying that potential - that we are not living upto it.

Make no mistake, we are not doing bad by any standards. Most of us are working in very interesting jobs, in very well known companies. Many of us are profs in big Ivy League Universities in the US, many of us handling senior positions in the corporate world globally. But where is the peace, satisfaction and mental calm. Where is self-actualization, where is the feeling that we are operating at the best of our capacity in the best direction suited individually for each one of us. Swanky cars, corner offices, US addresses etc. are ok to prove to the world that we are successful - but have we proved it to ourselves. At least I have not, at least not yet.

The trap is that many of us are actually fighting battles ordained for us by others. Since we are competent and can fight, we are doing well in even those battles - but where is the empowerment. Why should a very fine intellect, a strong urge to excel, an intense capability to persevere be unable to take control of its own life, pick its own battle and create its own universe.

There are a few of us who have taken the perpendicular path. A batchmate of mine, Rohit Gupta shunned the corporate sector within 6 months and went away to do his own thing - to become an author. Read somewhere that he survived through extremely hard days - sleeping on the benches and not having money for tea - but is now doing well - has won rewards and recognition finally.

Point is not winning awards and accolades that much - the point is charting out our own path. I know so many of us could have been great musicians, great writers, great photographers, great painters, great entrepreneurs but are currently doing coding for Microsoft, Intel, Texas Instruments in their offices from Santa Clara to Seattle to Bangalore simply because in their 10+2 they were extra good in Mathematics and Physics and Chemistry. That is sad. Why should one's goodness be the harness in his own neck.

I know many of us are still not at a stage where we can say enough is enough and break out of the rat race and become a tiger in their own right. I know many of us will do that in the near and distant future.

The sad part is, some of us won't ever.